the unexpected and transitions.

Here I am writing 4.5 years after first experiencing postpartum depression to tell you that I feel as though I am going through it yet again. I have never been someone who adapted well to change or the unexpected and with this third sweet boy I am having hard time with both the unexpected and the transition to being a mom of 3 boys!

Leo has a tongue tie that will be revised via laser early next week. This might not seem like a big deal to most and was something I thought other moms exaggerated about in the past. The hard thing is that on top of caring for my two older boys I question my every move when feeding Leo.

Having nursed both boys for over a year I assumed this third time around would be a breeze. I even planned to nurse in my baby carrier and really take on the whole mom to three kids role. Unfortunately, our feeding situation currently looks like this (it gives me anxiety even writing about it):

  • Leo wakes and nurses 10 min on one side and then screams and spits up everywhere
  • Nurses the other side and repeats the crying and spitting up (reflux, the painful kind)
  • I give Leo a bottle of pumped milk because he is rooting around like a starving kid
  • More burping, crying, and spitting up
  • I pump and clean parts and bottles
  • Burp some more
  • Put him back down for a nap

Repeat this 8-10 times a day.

The hard part is that I feel guilty for spending so much time on one feeding while not giving the other boys any attention and also it is a lot of work having a 3 step feeding process. After his laser procedure we will have to do a lot of stretches to make him more efficient at emptying me out when nursing and the thought of not knowing how everything will pan out makes me really uneasy. I know God has chosen me to be their mom specifically but  I believe most of us moms can relate to the fact that not knowing what your baby needs is a very hard pill to swallow. 

I did not expect to have to go through another rough go of breastfeeding, I did not expect to go through so many dark emotions yet again, and I did not expect to ever have a baby who loves his bottle. 

There has been a lot of sweet and memorable moments over these past 2.5 weeks. Every time the older boys are playing nicely together or offering to help me I am reminded how short this phase of life is. But the reality is I think society tells us how wonderful this new phase is and for some women, like myself, this is the hardest transition we will go through. Yes, newborns are so sweet and they only stay small for so long but it is also a major time in the moms life. We have to heal emotionally, physically, and spiritually all the while caring for a household, husband, kids, and lets not forget ourselves.

I hope I am not scaring anyone here who might not be a mom yet. I just want to be open and honest with the fact that although some women love the unexpected and the transition into the fourth trimester, there are some of us who it simply does not come easy to. Thankfully, this time around I knew when and where to get and ask for help. Hoping to have time to write more on how our life has changed and how our routines are also changing to better fit the 5 of us.

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He is HERE!

After a long wait we are excited to introduce to you our third son, Leo Jack Davis. I had a very easy and healthy 12 hour labor and Leo was born weighing 7lbs 8 oz and 20 in. long. I literally did two pushes and he was out (probably because I was at 10 cm for 3 hours waiting for a delivery doctor).  Anyways, we have a had a few bumps in the road with a tongue tie issue that needs to be resolved again but other than that he is an amazingly sweet baby. 

 

Introducting Leo Jack Davis! (Named after my Poppy who died in April, Leonard Jack Zetomer). 

 

I plan to do a post on his birth story, adjusting to life as a family of 5 and how postpartum care has been going very soon. 

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end of pregnancy rant.

As I sit here writing on my couch waiting for this baby to arrive I can't help but think how funny life is. In my mind I always think I can perfectly plan most aspects of my life and then God shows me my need for Him and how trying to control every situation is not my place.

My boys have always been very routine and we do the same things in our home 90% of the time. But within the past three weeks Max, who normally is super easy-going for naps, has given me a run for my money.

Our normal routine is eat lunch at 11:30 AM and then quiet play until nap time around 12:15 pm. I  turn on the sound machine, close black out curtains, sing him a doxology and the Gloria Patri, shut the door and then he is out within 5 minutes. Ever since his cold a few weeks ago he has been crying when I put him down for a LONG time. So I started to rub his back (something I have never done) and he would go down within 10-15 min. Fast-forward to today when I am 40+ weeks pregnant and leaning over his crib is no longer possible. I also do not want to continue this habit because once baby arrives I will not have the time or energy to rub his back when I know very well he is tired and capable of going to sleep on his own.

The days where we have just let him cry or stay in his crib he has chosen not to nap. I leave him in there for at least an hour and if he has still not napped then I get him out and continue the day. It is hard to swallow little bumps in the road like this because I was not worried at all with baby coming because I knew we had nap times down and it would be a great break for me to just focus on Calvin and the new little one. I share this mostly as a vent but also to show that even moms like me who try to plan out all the tiny details do not have it all figure out. Something can be working great for a while and then a sickness or growth spurt happens and you are back at square one again. I am constantly needing to remind myself that all of these seasons are normal and okay.

Calvin this week also got his cough back and since he is an asthmatic it is not just a "cough". We have had way to many nights in the past where he is having asthma attacks and the whole family is affected. A lot of my OCD issues with being around sick kids is because of Calvin's weakened immune system. THANKFULLY  his awesome allergists has us on a great regiment now that has helped tremendously and also my Young Living Oils have played a big role in him not getting full blown sick. God has been gracious to us and thankfully I do not see this turning into something big but oh how I wish these little hiccups in my perfect plan would smooth over soon. 

Oh, and just as I finished writing this Max fell asleep on his own. Took 20 mins but he only cried for 8. Woot woot! My family is always being used to sanctify me and it is not always easy. This new baby will stretch me, test me, and will also show me how much love God has for His people. With every new chapter in motherhood I am learning more about myself and that is always a good thing. 

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