fall full of fears

I check my iPhone each night to see what time the sun will rise and set for the following day. I get more excited when I see that the sun will rise later and later each day as summer comes to an end (sigh). And now fear and anxiety overcome me as I see the sun will be setting earlier each day from now on until autumn arrives.

I have always loved summer. Having the sun shine through all my windows brings me so much joy and I try to soak up every ounce of the light when it is out. When I gave birth to Calvin almost three years ago (fastest three years of my life!) summer had just officially ended and the evenings came way too fast. 

I was suffering pretty badly from post postpartum depression at the time, just thinking I had the baby blues (I was never warned about either of these dreadful possibilities). I remember dreading nighttime because it was filled with tears from both Calvin and myself and many nights feeling alone, although I was surrounded by so much support. Around 4pm I would remember the sun beginning to set and  Calvin would begin his witching hours, simultaneously around the time when my family was coming home. All I wanted was adult interaction and to feel normal but there I was tending to a fussy baby, bracing myself for the long night ahead. For months I even dreaded the sound machine night light because it brought back images of my nights of awful thoughts and anxiety. Even though I haven't suffered from PPD/PPA for over two years now I still get anxious every Fall. The memories of those days when I was learning how to be a mom are forever engraved upon me. 

Fall will inevitably catch up to me. It's less than two months away. August is already here and it is my goal to pack in as much summer fun as I can before we wait for its return. We have yet to go to the beach and are due for a few more cookouts. 

As I get more anxiety thinking about this change of season I am trying to distract myself by having things to look forward to in the Fall. Calvin's 3rd Birthday, Calvin's first time in preschool, Nick's birthday, our 5 year wedding anniversary trip, Max's 1st Birthday. Five years ago when we were planning our wedding we picked Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving because it was our favorite holiday and time of year (it was also a lot less expensive since virtually no one gets married on Black Friday--win win!). I am still waiting for the time when I can look forward to this time of year again but for now I will focus on little goals. I want to "fall back" in love with the changes of autumn. 

No one can prepare you for your journey through motherhood. Many of our experiences in the beginning will shape us for years to come. Have you ever experience fear and anxiety over a change in season? Change in environment? What do you do to look forward to in the season to come?

soaking up the summer sun

soaking up the summer sun

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