Every Tuesday night I love watching Chip and Joanna Gaines make a run-down home into an oasis. I get emotional just watching the couples walk into their new homes and I fall in love and can't help but want to feel that settled feeling as well. Growing up we moved a lot and in college I moved even more. If I had to take a guess I have moved over 12 times in my 27 years of life. And each time I move, I have an even greater desire to have that settled feeling. I want to put curtains up and paint the walls and buy a piece of furniture without having to worry about packing it all up again in another year or two.
Now that we have kids this desire has grown even more than ever before. I've long dreamed of my kids getting married one day and bringing their families to their childhood home--a place that houses all of their fondest memories. Whenever we go to visit Nick's parents we get to stay in his house that he lived in since seventh grade. We always find old pictures, notes, and memorabilia from back when he was growing up and there is something so special about that. Moving a lot for me has had some benefits. I am not super attached to anything, I love to purge, and am very organized. I had to learn early on to hold on to only the most precious things and to let go of what is not an everyday need. I know the saying goes "home is wherever you are" but for me I hate change and I get attached to the "home," not the things inside or even the people. I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) so the lights, views, smells, and overall feeling of a place deeply affects me.
Often I feel like so many parts of my life are always moving. The boys are constantly changing and going through new stages, friends and families lives are changing, and nothing seems to remain the same or is ever fixed. I have this expectation that life should go the way I have it pictured in my head. The vision I had was that once we were married with kids we would begin to look for a house to buy, settle down, and make some roots. But as I'm sure some of you may be able to relate, most people in the twentysomething (now almost thirtysomething) age bracket right now face a different future than our parents did at this age. A large group of men are just now entering into their careers after years of undergraduate and graduate studies and students loans take place over a mortgage. Our generation is not buying homes and settling down, we are renting for outrageous prices, living with our parents/family members/other millennials, and we are all are longing for the day when packing boxes to move is out of the picture.
In an ideal world we would be able to afford a home that we could stay in for a long time. A place where I can host a bunch of people and make our own, but for now I am praying to be content with this stage of life. Nick knows my desires and thankfully he is trying to help me adjust to our life. He told me that if/when we move that he would give me a budget to get some things to make our place seem more personal and "ours." Since we've had the boys, we've always lived with my mom (we would live with her forever if we could, she's the world's best roommate), but living with her means all of our stuff is shared and at times I do not feel like things are "mine."
Nick and I always joke that if we didn't have kids or when we get older we would love to build a "Tiny Home" and use the rest of our money to eat our way through life. Maybe in 30 years?... I hope I am not coming off as ungrateful. I have a roof over my head, a healthy family, and am not lacking by any means. But every time I see a polished Instagram picture or read about a blogger building their dream home, jealousy and the devil creep in and make me nitpick at pieces of my life. It is sort of like when you go to the mall and realize that you have the world's worst wardrobe, but had you never gone into the store you wouldn't have thought differently about your clothing.
We live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but we definitely pay for it. Even though we pay more for our month's rent than most of our friend's mortgage payments around the country, this is still where God has placed us right now. And for that I must be content.