I have come to realize that my controlling personality stems from pride. Every aspect of my life is critically planned, analyzed, and executed because I have a fear of not being in control of every situation. If you did not already see my previous post HERE, I am 13-weeks pregnant with our third baby. on the way Each pregnancy has been so unlike the other, but this one has been the hardest on me.
Around the 8 week mark I began to experience intense nausea, fatigue, and headaches. Unlike the migraines I experienced with Max (which seemed to occur certain times of the day), this lasts all day long. For the past five weeks our little love seat in the living room has been my new home. There are days when I rely so much on Calvin to get snacks ready or to help me with small tasks because I physically cannot do much of anything.
Nick, my mom, and my sister have been by my side since day one of all of this and could tell that I really am not feeling well. My normal demeanor is to go-go-go and I rarely complain about getting things done because it is in my nature to just get things done. I can remember way too many times when I would (and still do) ask one of them to help me buy groceries, cook dinner, clean the floors, or help with the boys. In my mind it was hard for me to ask for their help, not because I didn't think they were capable of doing it, but because they might not do it my way.
To be honest, most of the time I think that my way of doing things is the right way. There really is no other way. I take pride in how I clean. I take pride in how my boys act. I take pride in my home. I take pride in how I organize. The problem with this mentality though is that when one of these things does not go as planned, I get depressed, sad, and feel like a failure. Trying to control all these areas in my life because of my pride places an unrealistic expectation upon myself and others.
So while being on the couch sick is not fun at all, I am thankful that God has used this low point to show me those places in my heart that I need to surrender my pride. I am not always going to do things right and I am not always going to be well enough to ensure all my ways are perfectly executed. Pregnancy has always been a reminder to me that I am not in control of my life. There is no way for me to ensure the safety and health of our little baby growing inside of me, even with the best nutrition, rest, etc. etc. and it daily humbles me to know God will always be in control; not me. This also comforts me.